Before I start this I feel like I have to reintroduce myself being that’s it’s been about a year since my last post. Hello again. My name is Ameris (rhymes with glamorous) and I created this blog years ago while in college as an outlet to let the world know how I feel when I’m feeling it. Typically I’m a sensitive person and I can sometimes feel every last emotion in existence when I’m out among society. Sitting in my house not bothering anyone and not being bothered brings me so much joy (introverts know what I’m talking about!) which is why this new quarantine was no issue for me. However, this post is about how crappy 2020 has been to us as a whole as well to me in my personal life.
January was fine for me. The most exciting news to me that month was that I was being moved to the original shift I wanted at work. I don’t go out much so work with me when I say that was the most exciting thing that happened to me that month. This was also the month I chatted with an old boyfriend/ situation-ship/ hook-up-when-I’m-bored and we quickly realized why we both stopped talking months prior. A lot of cursing back and forward, a lot of saying things most would regret but I’m not most so I said what I said and meant it. We haven’t spoken since. We tried to reconnect but (old) feelings got involved which lead to words being exchanged and lessons were learned.
February my family lost my grandmother. This tore me apart. I’ve never felt a loss like this before (no offense to my maternal grandmother I lost back in 1998 but I was a kid and did not understand a loss of that magnitude then), I’m talking this left me in my living room crying in the dark. It took about a month for me to not start crying out of the blue. I would break down crying in gas stations, on car rides, before bed every night, in the restroom at work….you name the location, I cried there. I honestly thought I had mostly made peace with my grandmother no longer being here until watching the movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button either in June or July. Taraji P. Henson’s character took care of the elderly and right then and there as I was lying in my bed about to go to sleep the tears came running. I hadn’t cried about my grandmother in a few months so this cry came at a surprise. I quickly turned off the movie and it took a couple of weeks before I could finish.
March was the last time I went out with a friend to simply hang out. Yes. March 2020. It’s been that long ago. That month was the first wave of the lock down situation. Once I continue on with the rest of the year you’ll see why we should have never came out of the first lock down. I’m what is known as an “essential worker” so I still needed to go out for work. I work the overnight shift so normally traffic is a breeze but during this time there were virtually no cars on the major highways. I loved it! Gas was cheaper, hardly any police cars pulling people over, no major accidents….nothing. Most were concerned that police would pull people over for just being on the roads but honestly they weren’t trying to risk the virus by pulling someone over for something that wasn’t harming anyone but nonetheless my job gave everyone paperwork stating we are essential and we need to get to work. I kind of laughed at the paper and mistakenly left it at a desk. The next day my supervisor was being silly stating that I left my golden ticket to get me out of a traffic stop. I jokingly said, “I must not be that essential because no one stopped me.” I miss this era of 2020. The emptiness of the interstate and giving my anxiety an excuse to stay indoors.
April is my birthday month and I couldn’t really celebrate like how I’ve been doing the past 29 years. This was the first year where I made no plans and no one asked me what I would be doing. The answer was pretty much the same for everyone. Because I didn’t want to be alone I decided to order my dinner out just to bring it over to my parents house to eat with family. Due to the economy shutting down I was the only one in my family who was still getting a paycheck. I had to pay for my own birthday dinner because my parents had not gotten a check in a while. I didn’t mind though. It felt good to be able to ask them if they needed anything and if I could help out. They’ve helped me my entire life so the least I could do was pitch in and help pay a bill or two. I could tell my mother did not want to ask on my birthday to help pay their bills so she waited until May when I came over for my brother’s birthday to ask. My mom has some underlying health conditions so this birthday was a little awkward because my mom didn’t want to be anywhere near me. She made sure to stay in her mask and I had to stay in mine. When we ate we sat on opposite sides of the room and she didn’t stay around me for long. I totally understand. My mom has been quarantining with my dad and I was the outside source coming over. They don’t know where I’ve been or hung around with so I understood.
May was pretty much the same as April. The country was still on lock down and I was still able to leave the house at the last minute yet still make it to work on time. This month was my brother’s birthday and we did the same thing as we did in April. The economy being shut down hurt my brother’s pockets too so my parents asked me to do the same thing and purchase my brother’s birthday dinner. I paid for our meals so back to my parent’s house we went. His birthday was a little different. Not to go too deep into the backstory of the beef with my parents and I but my parents went to pick my brother’s food up. I had to pick my own food up. I was sponsoring both meals need I remind you. There was no offer to get my food but my parents waited for me to let them know food was purchased and at which location. Without giving too much of the family secrets/ drama, when I went to the hospital after a traffic accident in 2018 my dad acted as if his swollen leg was more important than me being checked out after an airbag kicked my ass vs my brother being rushed to the ER August (we’ll cover that part when we get to August) and my dad was so, “OMG your brother is hurt, devote all your attention to him now.” He didn’t say it like that but it became clear to me where the favoritism lies. We don’t have the best relationship but it also isn’t the worst. Anyway, I think around this time that good ol’ $1200 check came in for most. I can’t remember if mine came in during this time or June. I’m gonna say this is the month it came.
June was when I had my first week long vacation from work. I loved every second of it. My vacation did not start until the middle of the month but if I could change things around I would make it the end of the month. Afterwards I didn’t feel like returning to work. As soon as I returned I felt out of place. All I wanted was to be back home in my own space. Honestly I forfeited my vacation to stay inside and truly quarantine from work and outside life as we know it. My original plan back in January (where everyone had to choose their vacation week) was to go to Vegas during this time, either with friends or make it a solo trip, and see if I really knew how to play blackjack or not. Clearly covid-19 had other plans. I don’t even think Las Vegas was open during this time. Even if they were I think the mayor of Vegas decided it would be a good idea to make the entire town the test subjects for the re-opening of the country. After I heard about that I decided the 4 walls of my home would be the safest. My vacation time was used to finally decorate my makeup room. I’ve been living in my home for 3 years now and that spare room I had was the storage/ shoe room. It was filled with the unpacked boxes I didn’t need everyday. Those boxes included all my Harry Potter books, hangers, purses or overnight bags I had forgotten all about, office supplies (I really wasted money and bought supplies I already had rather than dig through boxes), a broken iPad and whatever miscellaneous junk I didn’t use the past 3 years. I finally cleared most of those boxes just to add a new IKEA shelf to hold all purses and overnight bags and added a table for my vanity. I also set up my CD player with speakers I received during my teenage years which lights up as it’s playing. Now to any Gen Z’ers reading this, music came in a physical format known as a compact disk (aka CD) and we had pieces of equipment that could play these compact disk and transmit the sounds through a speaker. It’s a bulky item that can take up a lot of space. The makeup, shoes and perfumes were already set up sometime last year. The most added was the bigger shelf for bags, a new wall clock, the inspirational sign my Aunt’s bought me as a housewarming gift(3 years ago), a wig stand and a side chair to sit at my vanity’s desk (still no vanity mirror but the room is still a work in progress). The only boxes left unpacked and still blocking most of the room is my box full of about 70-100 hangers and the miscellaneous office products that I still have no idea what to do with any of the items.
July was a big blur. So much so that I had to come back and add this piece in because I totally forgot about July before moving to August. The most I can remember about July is only how stressful it was at work. I can’t remember too much of my personal life during this time. It was either this month or June when my state began to open back up and I, like most felt as though we weren’t ready. This is a big reason as to why I stayed at home. I only would go out for groceries and work. Other than that I kept to myself at home. We were not ready to be around each other. Covid-19 reminded everyone that the virus is still thriving. I’m sure everyone knows about this country’s spike in Covid-19 cases but I’m not really surprised. Most were just ready to get out of the house. I’m not here to judge those people because I don’t know what type of living conditions they were subjected to at home. There was a rise in domestic violence cases around the country due to the quarantine. I must admit I did not see this coming but after hearing about it these stories made since. Most needed to break free from that and risk the virus just to get from under whomever was causing them harm. Again, I’m not here to judge those people. I can understand it.
August. The month isn’t over and neither is 2020. The scariest thing to occur during this month is when I received a phone call from both parents that my brother had an accident trimming the trees on his yard and he was rushed to the hospital. I was binge watching something on Netflix with my phone set to silent. I didn’t get the missed calls and text until about an hour later. My brother is the halfway point between my parents and I. Apparently after my brother had his accident he called my dad. My dad rushed over to see what was wrong. He could see my brother might have gotten over heated and passed out. I’m honestly glad he didn’t get any major obvious injuries being that he was working with a chainsaw. Somehow the chainsaw was neatly packed away while my brother was sitting in his car on his way to the hospital when my dad arrived. My brother was confused as to why my dad was there when he was on the way to the hospital. According to my brother, after his accident he had no recollection calling my dad. He knew something was wrong and that he needed to go to the hospital but does not remember calling my dad to tell him he was on his way. I feel as though my brother fell and hit his head. He was showing too many symptoms of a concussion. My dad feels as though he might have had a heat stroke working in the sun mostly all day. The most I can tell you about this day was that I had a mini panic attack. I’ve had panic attacks before but when I saw the text after binge watching I practically froze. I learned during that panic attack I was able to control my breathing and keep a clear head. I knew I had to put on clothes to leave for the ER. Calling my parents back would have slowed me down and I needed to get on the road as quickly as possible. Besides, I can really call them on the way there. On the way there my dad wanted to argue with me as to why I didn’t pick up the phone rather than giving me an update on my brother. Again, I know where the favoritism lies. I had to keep bringing the conversation back to what room was my brother in or if he was ok but all my dad wanted to talk about during a time like this was why I didn’t pick up his or my mother’s call. I’m literally on the way to the hospital to check on my brother yet my dad has time to argue. I don’t know if my audience has picked up on the growing misunderstanding space between my father and I but it’s a long story. For a quick one sentence back story it’s mainly to do with me taking control over my own life about a year ago and no longer following what my dad feels is best for me. My dad is the controlling type. My brother follows what my dad has set out but I strayed away from the pack and when you’re dealing with the controlling type the anger within them is going to rear it’s ugly head at the most inopportune times. I do realize I said I would explain in one sentence but I wanted to clear things up as much as possible before moving forward. All of this happened on the first day of August so I have a ways to go. Stay tuned for updates if 2020 continues to do what 2020 does.
I obvious don’t want to tell all of my personal business as well as my family’s but just know this year has been an emotional wreak. My stress eating has been at an all time high. Sometime during the spring months I weighed myself since the winter and came to the realization that I gained all the weight I lost back in 2017-2018. This was devastating being that I damn near killed my joints in the gym 5 days a week on a consistent schedule to loose 50 lbs. My joints still hurt from all the working out but my weight is right back where I started from 3 years ago. I am absolutely crushed. The sad thing is that I can’t even blame the weight gain on 2020. 2019 was a stressful year emotionally and by the end of the year I put on 30 of the 50 lbs. The rest of the 20 lbs came on around the 1st quarter of this year. I’m working on getting the weight back down but I don’t have the same energy I had 3 years ago. I also don’t have the same 9-5 schedule I had 3 years ago either. I work the overnight shift and it’s been a struggle trying to flip my nights into days and my days into nights. I’m a member at a 24 hour gym so the timing isn’t an issue. It’s the fact that my 9am is like most people’s 9pm. At 9 am I’m ready for bed just to wake up in the evening and do it all over again. I’ve been trying to set my schedule up to go late at night on my off days but at the same time I let my anxiety about going to the gym while it’s dark out stop me from going out on most nights. I simply don’t have the same discipline as before. Trying to get the energy and motivation back is the most difficult part of the restart to my weight loss journey.
How could I forget the protest and riots?! Well I’m back again with another update 8 days after the original post date. So the protest kicked off this year to let it be known that the people will not sit by and let injustice happen. This began after the unlawful death of George Floyd at the hands of law enforcement. We (my co-workers and I) would watch the protest on the news and discuss it with each other. We understood what was going on but at the same time we work in a major city and the protest were beginning to get close to our office. This caused us to have to move from our main office to a different location. Things were tense around the city and safety was the main factor. I would watch the protest on the news and understand fully why the people felt the need to let their voices be heard. I watched in awe at the brave people who would risk the virus pandemic to march with strangers. I don’t know how I could forget this moment of 2020, especially when the protest are still occurring across the country.
This year isn’t over yet but I hope the continuous streak of bad news or just total surprises are over. I’ll have to live through these last months with my guard up, or maybe until the end of time. If 2020 has taught me anything it’s that everything can be taken away in a matter of minutes, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
As I’ve gotten older I’ve started to pay close attention to my actions, language and overall interactions with those around me. This means understanding what I said, why I said what I said and my intentions behind what I said (or did). Not to say the younger me was out acting up with no regard to my well-being or intentionally hurting others but the younger me acted out of selfishness. Although it’s true we as humans only do what best for us at the current time but every now and then we need to start thinking of others.
Ameris' Blog 