Can you see me?

via Daily Prompt: Observe

What do you see when you see me?

Not the mask I’ve put on for the majority of my life. Not the clothes I wear to cover my stretch marks. Not one of the 3 pairs of shoes I wear to match my different shades of black outfits.

But do you see my pain?

If your answer is no, I’ll get the Academy on the phone to convince them of my lifetime of Oscar nominated performances.

If your answer is yes…dammit! Can’t talk right now. Bye!

See my actions. How do I treat you? How do I treat others? What do I do with my hands as I’m talking to you? Are you observing my body language?

Body language is a tattletale. It is the enemy to whatever costume we’ve put on to play the role.

My problem with body language is I am fully aware of what my body language is saying. However, I can’t stop it.

Observe me as I observe you. If we come to an unspoken agreement where we like what we see, I’ll be happy to start this wonderful path of friendship with you.

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Black Women Aren’t Angry

A little louder for the people in the back please

Kita Redd

We are just tired because…

Let’s keep it “Trill” for a moment, shall we?

As a black woman, I’m expected to be pretty, not just pretty but flawlessly so. Lest someone better come along and take my man.

The same man who I bore children for, the same man whom I keep a clean house for, the same man who I cook for, the same man who I uplift when the world crushes him or kills him in the street, the same man who I March and protest for, the same man who I sex passionately so that he’ll feel the love I have for him resonate from my soul to his. The same man who calls me a “bitch” then tells me he didn’t mean it, the same man who expects me to forgive his many indiscretions, yet calls me a whore and walks out on me…

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Know what’s going on around you but don’t always react

Accept people for who they are. Take it a face value. They may change or they’re simply not being themselves. Don’t interrupt their presentation.

 

If you see a change for the better, enjoy the show. If you see a change for the worst, get out before it’s too late. But remain quiet during the act. It’s not over yet.

 

It’s important to take notes to discuss afterward if you so choose. Praise is never turned away. If you left the show early but still would like to leave feedback on where it all went wrong, don’t feel entitled to a Tony winning broadway performance. A pre-k production may be the best they can do.

 

Don’t be so quick to leave an angry review. Tell them why you felt the need to walk away before the train wreck took place. The performer was simply giving their show to the best of their abilities. But remember, you did not sign up for a disaster.

 

The mature thing is to find out why the show went left. Do you have time? Do you have time to ask the performer why it was acted out in such a way that the show took valuable time from you? Are you willing to waste more time? What others do or say should never impact your life so much where you are obsessing about the situation non-stop. You have no control in that department.

 

If you enjoy someone’s performance, what keeps you coming back? Are you giving your audience the same energy?

 

What if someone says something during their show that you don’t agree with, how soon should you react? I don’t have the answers here. I honestly don’t have the answers to any of the previous questions. Everyone interprets things differently.

 

Watch. Enjoy. Laugh. Listen. Discuss. Understand. But if things don’t go as planned (and they usually won’t), don’t react so soon. Take your time. Hear them out. If not, there’s nothing wrong with walking out during intermission.

 

This post is how I’ve been feeling lately about a friendship of mine that is slowly sinking. I saw it coming years ago but I’m just now getting the courage to do something about it. If you’ve been feeling the same as I have, how did you handle it? I know that being comfortable in outgrowing friends plays a big part in how to deal with friendship breakups yet it is easier said than done.

Do I owe my parents a family of my own?

Being in the child bearing zone from early twenties to now has made my family question my every move as far as growth is concerned. (Side Note: I’m fully aware the average human can procreate before the age of twenty. In my case however, that is a no-no.) I’m not talking, “How will this new change improve your life?” but rather, “How will this new change get you a boyfriend, husband and children?” I don’t know what to tell them. That line of questioning leaves me at a loss for words every time.

My mom has gotten into a habit of bringing up the fact that I’m single at the worst time of day. The first time she did this was during my early twenties while we were discussing food in the kitchen. She hits me out of nowhere with, “So do you just not like men?” The look on my face was a puzzled startled one because I could have sworn we were in the middle of talking about cooking. I think my answer was something like, “Yes I like men but weren’t we just talking about pasta and bread?” That still baffles me to this day. But I guess moms will be moms and get away with asking what ever is on their mind. Let’s be honest here, you can’t stop mom from asking questions.

A little back story on my dating life. It does not exist. Now on with the rest of this post.

The next time was more recent. It was a couple of weeks ago and we had just come back in from running errands. This time I forgot what it was we were talking about but yet again she comes out of nowhere with, “Why is it you act like men can’t look at you?” Here I go again being confused with another one of my mom’s questions that has nothing to do with nothing. I never said that a man couldn’t look at me. Why would I say or feel this way. Now I’m sitting back looking at myself to see where she got this idea from. I fully understand that I cannot physically make a man stop looking at me so why waste any energy in putting a stop to it. Why would I want to do that in the first place? I don’t know where that came from. I even asked here how did she come to that. She looked at me and said, “Yeah, ok.” and went back to cleaning up the kitchen. I obviously dropped the entire conversation because again, mom’s can get away with asking anything.

Moms have a way of seeing something in their children they don’t see. Or so I’ve heard. What was/is it about my demeanor to make her ask that? The most I can come up with is I tend to get a little shy and nervous when a guy takes interest in me. It’s been this way for my entire life.

As for my dad, he’ll bring up the idea of marriage in any story he’s telling. Especially if he’s talking to me. I have one of those father’s who has a story to tell based off a situation he’s just seen or heard. Even if the story doesn’t have a damn thing to do with me he always finds a way to bring the ending to me finding a husband. For example, the other day he was talking about the whole Tiger Woods divorce that happened years ago. Keep in mind this story has nothing to do with me or him. He ends it by saying, “And Ameris that is why it is important for you to choose who ever it is you find in a mate wisely. Who you marry is the most important decision of your life.” “Ok, solid advice dad but I’ve told you numerous times that I’m not looking to get married.” I think that scared him for a bit. He was taken aback then ended with “uh huh. Well I’m just saying.” From now on, I may just hear him out with my “Oh yeah, I’m totally listening” face and keep going about my day.

Do I owe my parents a wedding? Grandkids? A family? There is no secret this is what they clearly want from me. I was one of the fortunate ones who grew up in a two parent household my entire life. My parents have been married for over 30 years and from the outside looking in, it seems as if my parents have paved the way for me to also find a stable marriage of my own and build a family. I’m sure they are probably blaming themselves thinking they showed a bad example somewhere during my lifetime. I don’t see the reason why though. Not everyone gets married and there is no biological need for me to wed. Will my head fall off tomorrow if I decide that I don’t want to be married? Will my DNA rearrange and turn me into a lizard woman if I’m not chosen by a man while I’m still in my youth? I don’t mean to go to the extreme but I just didn’t buy into the fairy-tale that a woman must find her “knight in shining armor” bit growing up.

I also just don’t see it for me to have children. Having kids is a lot to ask of someone. Women have died and unfortunately are still dying during child birth. It’s a toll on the body. Hormones change, cells change, bodies change, everything changes yet this is what was asked of you but only you are left to deal with the changes.

ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: Shout out to the women who bounce back after a pregnancy. Also shout out to the women who don’t and still don’t feel comfortable with themselves. You did something that a lot of humans can’t say they did. Be proud mama!

Now back to our regularly scheduled rant.

Not to mention taking care of an infant while your body is going through changes. The crying, constantly changing diapers, being up all hours of the night, breast feeding…the list just goes on and on. I’m not mentally prepared nor do I see myself being prepared in the near future. Call it selfishness all you want but I need my sleep.

Don’t get me wrong. Yes, I tend to focus on the negative side of taking care of an infant after giving birth but that’s the thing terrifying me most. Bringing your tiny human into this world is an honor. I’m well aware. I guess I’m blocking myself from seeing all the joy a baby can bring because I’m not ready to see. All there is are testimonies of mothers who tell me (or try and convince me) that raising a child is worth it. Words couldn’t describe how great it is to raise a child. I’m assuming the feeling is greater than any word the English dictionary can define. And that’s beautiful.

So, here are my next set of rhetorical questions. Do I have to sit and listen to my parents ask over and over why I don’t want to be married for all eternity? If I ever do get married the reason will probably be a 98.9% possibility to shut them up. On the other hand they will just find other things to question me about. What more can I say to show them that marriage is not on my vision board nor do I see it ever happening for me?…unless Brad Pitt finally sees fit to marry me then there won’t be a wedding (fingers crossed that he sees this). It’s like no matter what I say, “I don’t see any reason for me to be married” my dad will follow up with, “ok but what I’m saying is that who you will marry is the most important…etc.” as if I didn’t just say what I just said. How long will I have to put up with that? I have my own home, car and I’m a proud pit bull dog mom yet my parents feel as though my life is headed nowhere and fast without a husband.

I still don’t know what else to tell them.

You’ve got to love yourself

This is what I’m focused on all 2018

Cristian Mihai

“Your opinion of yourself becomes your reality. If you have all these doubts, then no one will believe in you, and everything will go wrong. If you think the opposite, the opposite will happen. It’s that simple. The higher your self-belief, the more your power to transform reality. Having supreme confidence makes you fearless and persistent, allowing you to overcome obstacles that stop most people in their tracks.” – Robert Greene

Do you know this cliche that the world acts as a mirror? We see what we want to see; what we expect to happen becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and will inevitably happen?

Well, it’s true.

If you don’t love yourself, why should anyone else? If you don’t trust yourself, how can you expect others to trust you? Relying on external validation never lasts.

But you know what lasts?

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Vantage Point

The next upcoming years will be no different than the previous years when it comes to my writing. Sharpening up my skills could only help, not hinder. I have this problem that arises every time I put pen to paper or fingers on keyboard.

 

Who should tell the story?

 

Who’s point of view should the story come from? The obvious choice is from the character in which the actions are put upon but at the same time that character can only tell what they saw. What if there was something that took place across town that was important to the story and the main character was not there to witness it. How would my audience know about this? Should it be omitted from the story? Am I over thinking this? (Yes) I run into this problem halfway through writing. I hit writer’s block hard and sometimes can’t shake the feeling that I’ll never be able to finish what I started. Then I start to wonder if I told it from a different angle then maybe I wouldn’t have run into this issue.

 

Anxiety is a bitch!

 

I’m making a few changes to my life and one of those changes is finishing what I start. I have a strong habit of not doing so. This is a minor hump in writing though. At least that’s how I see it. I’ll get through it. My vision board is cheering me on.