I’m at a place in my life where I’m not certain how my life will turn out. I’m well aware I have full control over the outcome of my life but how? It’s like I see the finish line with farsighted vision. What’s in between myself and my overall goal is a little murky. The life that I want for myself is just as clear as day but not even my GPS can lead me to the right direction to achieve this.
So as I make my way through the unknown thick heavy mist that is known as my path, I find myself stuck. I’ve set up a routine for myself that is comfortable yet not getting me anywhere. I know I’m lost on my journey because I have passed by my writings numerous times down my path. The cursor is still blinking on a few of the stories I have already begun and the other I have completely abandoned all hope. I can’t bring myself to delete them so now what.
I am walking around an enormous tree on my path and I’ve gotten accustomed to ignoring the blinking cursor. Please, send help. Lay out a trail of jellybeans if you must. I recommend the pink ones.
This routine is easy. This routine is comfortable. This routine is not frightening. This routine has made me stagnant. This routine is slowly driving me insane. This routine has me on autopilot most of the day. This routine crushing my hope into something I am no longer able to feel.
I know what needs to happen. I need a large hammer, construction goggles, gloves and comfortable shoes.
I’m going to break it.
I honestly don’t know why I gave this post this title. This isn’t a review of how my 2018 went. More so a post about why I’m not doing it this year. Granted I’ve only ever posted about my 2017 year in review but I planned on posting one every year. Not this time around.
2018 was not the best year for me. Everything horrible happened (except my funeral) during those 365 days. It was awful and 2018 could not have ended quickly enough for my taste.
On the bright side, I got myself back in therapy during the spring. Had to stop over the summer due to some unforeseen circumstances but recently started back going during the fall.
I don’t want to leave you, as a reader, in the dark about all the bad that went on so I’ll slip in something I’m ashamed to admit went wrong over the course of that terrible year.
I gained 23 lbs.
Horrible, I know.
But 2017 I lost a total of 50 lbs and I planed on loosing another 50 over 2018. Plans backfired. I was under the most amount of stress I’ve ever been under since my freshman year in college. I put on at least 20 lbs that year.
Adulting kicked my ass last year. I wasn’t ready. I still have some years to go, obviously, but I learned a hard couple of lessons.
With these newly learned lessons from last year, 2019 should be a breeze.
I got this.
Speaking it into existence.
Almost every evening I can be found in my office writing my thoughts away in a journal. It’s my time to reflect on the decisions I’ve made for that day and how my feelings got me to that point. I’m the sensitive type so unfortunately my feelings damn near control my life in the way I react to things or the way I receive information. Taking the time to actually sit in my emotions and go over them with a fine tooth comb helps me understand my thought process.
There is nothing off limits in my journal. I see this as both my blessing and my curse. My blessing because writing my feelings out is the best release from the stress I hold until I put pen to paper. My curse because I tend to only focus on the negative aspects of what caused that stress. Looking back I realized I never offered myself any solution to my problems. I cringe sometimes reading over years worth of emotions where I would state my problem, state how I reacted and justify my wrong doings with how I handled things. There’s always a better path at getting out of a funk but I would mostly choose the worst way (yelling, cursing, being argumentative for no reason because I’m willing to fight to protect myself from ever being wrong) at getting out of my funk. There’s always a silver lining to any emotionally draining situation where it feels as though the emotions have taken over and you’ve been thrown to the passenger side of your own life. Logical and rational thinking take a back seat while my emotions are in full control of life’s vehicle. Unfortunately I still have not found a way to get out of the passenger seat and use every one of my personalities in the car to my advantage in the present situation. When I’m so stuck in my ways of only being the victim the silver lining becomes difficult to find. And that’s if I want to find it at all.
My journal started to reflect always being the victim as being a part of my personality. I needed to change my point of view on life to help me understand my life isn’t all bad. While scrolling my twitter timeline I saw a post by @RaveenTheDream who mentioned she purchased a journal “strictly for good things and gratitude” and like the snap of a finger an idea went off in my head.
This idea (tweet) couldn’t have come at a better time. I went over to Amazon to find a customized “happy journal” that stood out from my other daily journals. All of my other journals have been purchased at local stores but I decided this one had to be special. Something a little more personal where I go to recognize how great my inner circle is. How great I am. This is my escape to happiness. It’s rare that I speak kindly toward myself or anyone else around me when I’m upset so this journal would see me in a different light than I normally see myself. Even if it’s just for a small moment in time. My only rule to this journal is to write positive thoughts only. See the good in everything. I’ve been writing in it for over a month and I’m starting to see a difference in the way I treat my family, myself and friends. I don’t have it in me to be down in my feelings 24/7 about a temporary situation so it’s best that I see the good out of my day and move on.
This is something I would suggest to all of my friends and family but since they aren’t the writing type, I decided to bring it to my blog. Hopefully this post will encourage someone to see more positivity in their life just as her tweet encouraged me to write about the positives in my life.
Have I ever posted about my love for the make-up artistry industry?
*HINT: THE ANSWER IS NO*
What?! I haven’t!
Well now is the right time to brag about my friend Michelle! She is a very talented MUA and she is skilled at transforming a look. Honestly, I often wonder how she’s able to see a beauty that’s in all of us and bring it to the forefront. It is truly fascinating to watch her bring joy to her clients just by showing them how beautiful they truly are. There’s nothing she can’t take on.
For this reason, I am dedicating this post to her amazing talent! Enjoy!
This one with the pop of silver on the eye…perfect!
Michelle Gordon (pictured above) can be reached at:
I’ve been adding more easier goals to my vision board lately and it’s helped me get a little more control of my life.
My most recent addition was to go 30 days without dairy. I knew this was an achievable goal because I had gone without meat for 46 days (originally set to 30 days) and I found a new love for challenging myself. That post is sort of visible under the dairy free post in yellow highlighter. Going without meat was a little tough for the first week. On top of dealing with the fact I couldn’t eat hot wings and meat lovers pizza I also had to go though a rehearsed speech to all of my friends as to why I was doing this. This isn’t like me. As an advocate of hot lemon pepper wings (self proclaimed) I wouldn’t be the one you would choose to go forward with this goal. I get it. I’m a fan of meat. Everyone in my circle knows this. I also fell into the wormhole of how “all meat is bad for you” after the popular movie What the Health made its way to Netflix and it opened my eyes to something I already knew but didn’t want to be true. It was never my goal to fully get rid of meat, hell I have a reputation to uphold as the Queen of Hot Lemon Pepper with a side of ranch! *pending trademark*
I’m in the process of making major life changes and it starts with changing the way I treat myself. Mind and body included. Last year I lost 50 lbs and the whole process taught me how to take control of my life. If I put my mind to it, I can achieve anything. Pushing myself on the treadmill beyond my limit, not leaving the gym to stop by some fast food place and eat my way into my feelings and changing up my snacking habits taught me a lesson no fancy professor at an Ivy league school making $100,000 annually could ever teach me. As a matter of fact, my first goal I made late 2016 was to cut out all fast food (except Chick-fil-a duh! I’m still not in complete control) and only stick to home cooked meals and when I’m out with friends at a restaurant. This was the first shock to my family because my mom was so used to seeing me with a Taco Bell burrito in my hand every now and then. Even to this day she’ll say, “I can’t believe you gave up your Taco Bell. You love that place.” I’ll follow up with how serious I am about loosing weight. She sees my progress. She even gave me her belt when she noticed my pants weren’t fitting properly anymore.
I also started going back to therapy this year. I’ve only gone twice before but the first two times I wasn’t able to pick my own therapist. This year I got to do all the picking. Therapy is helping me understand me better. Why do I tick the way I tick? All my life’s decisions has landed me on someone’s couch in someone’s office explaining all my life’s decisions. A therapist can only do but so much. I have to put the work in outside of my one hour sessions if I really want to see results. This is an important lesson I cannot stress enough if you plan on going to therapy yourself. As I sat in my therapist’s chair reliving things I tried so hard to forget was a wake up call. I could have handled myself a little differently in the past. I could have spoke to myself a little nicer rather than point out my flaws in a repetitious cycle that seems to never end (check out free fall) which would discourage me from being the awesome person I am. I could have handled situations differently differently besides eat myself into obesity. Childhood obesity at that. I could have not given up on taking care of my mother’s health before falling too deep in my own feelings of not really knowing how to cure her. I could have but I didn’t.
The truth is quite obvious. I cannot take care of everyone else if I am not even taking care of me. Being in control of my own life is the key to achieving anything. I can stay away from meat. I proved that to myself earlier this year. I can stay away from dairy which is much harder than staying away from meat by the way. Do you know how much dairy is in processed foods? I was shocked when I found it listed on the ingredients label in a bag of salt and vinegar chips. SALT. AND. VINEGAR. CHIPS! How?! Also, WHERE?! Anyway, I proved this to myself for these past 30 days. As of today I can highlight this on my vision board and count it as a win. Self discipline is a nice little tactic to help yourself take back what you thought was lost or didn’t even know was gone. This new found discovery of taking back my life has helped me get into my focus. I’m making better life choices not only with food but with my career, my goals and with the people I want in my circle.
Look at me. Being a grown-up and taking responsibility for my actions.