You’re hanging on the side of a cliff with a safety net beneath you. It looks sturdy. It’s not that far away from your feet. It actually looks fun. But you’re afraid. “Will I land properly? What if the net gives away and I fall straight through? What’s on the other side of that net?” Now you’re talking yourself out of letting go. The grip is slipping but you refuse to open your hands.
This is how it feels to hold onto something that is no longer serving you. We’ve all been at a particular point in our lives where we’ve had to make decisions we were unsure of the outcome. We can’t be afraid. I can’t be afraid. (Don’t mind me. I’m just talking to myself) The whole stepping out on faith things is scary to say the least but as long as we have some sense of direction it will be fine.
I’m the type who likes security. I like comfort in knowing that my day is going to go exactly like it did yesterday and the day before that day and the day before that day. My days mirror each other except with a slight wardrobe change while still maintaining the same color pattern. I’m a creature of habit who also gets bored very easily. I can’t help but to feel stuck while the days continue to pass me by. At this point I’m starting to look at what’s on the other side of the safety net. As a matter of fact, I don’t even see my safety net so why would I let go? How deep does my proverbial canyon go?
All I know is that I cannot go back to where I came from. That’s the place that has me looking to let go and let gravity do it’s job.
As I’ve gotten older I’ve started to pay close attention to my actions, language and overall interactions with those around me. This means understanding what I said, why I said what I said and my intentions behind what I said (or did). Not to say the younger me was out acting up with no regard to my well-being or intentionally hurting others but the younger me acted out of selfishness. Although it’s true we as humans only do what best for us at the current time but every now and then we need to start thinking of others.
Self Awareness: conscious knowledge of one’s own character, feelings, motives, and desires
Going back to therapy has helped me sit in my emotions while trying to figure out why I responded to the stressors in my environment the way I did. Where are these feelings coming from? Did I handle it in a way that does not hurt me in the long run? Did I make the situation worse for everyone else involved? My counselor pointed out how I’m able to sit back and understand how and why things played out the way it did and it brought me so much joy. She came across as shocked at how self aware I had become compared to the first time we spoke. It’s starting to feel like therapy is finally working in my favor. I came close to giving it up when I first started because it was new to me and I also felt like the therapist and I didn’t connect the way I wanted. I still struggle with getting out of my own head to see my life from a different perspective but everyday I’m growing closer to this goal.
What I eventually want to do is get to a place where I become so self aware I am able to step out of my own emotions and see things in a different light. I can get so caught up in the now, the me, me, me and never see the other person’s or people’s intention (or even realize the other person was in the room for that matter). I also want to get to a place where I finally understand that not everything needs a response. “I don’t have all the answers so why did I volunteer to speak” is a question I ask myself more times than I would like. So why do I continue to do so? Like I said, I don’t have all the answers and never will. The best I can do is forgive and love myself everyday. The older I get, the easier this becomes.
I’m at a place in my life where I’m not certain how my life will turn out. I’m well aware I have full control over the outcome of my life but how? It’s like I see the finish line with farsighted vision. What’s in between myself and my overall goal is a little murky. The life that I want for myself is just as clear as day but not even my GPS can lead me to the right direction to achieve this.
So as I make my way through the unknown thick heavy mist that is known as my path, I find myself stuck. I’ve set up a routine for myself that is comfortable yet not getting me anywhere. I know I’m lost on my journey because I have passed by my writings numerous times down my path. The cursor is still blinking on a few of the stories I have already begun and the other I have completely abandoned all hope. I can’t bring myself to delete them so now what?
I am walking around an enormous tree on my path and I’ve gotten accustomed to ignoring the blinking cursor. Please, send help. Lay out a trail of jellybeans if you must. I recommend the pink ones.
This routine is easy. This routine is comfortable. This routine is not frightening. This routine has made me stagnant. This routine is slowly driving me insane. This routine has me on autopilot most of the day. This routine is crushing my hope into something I am no longer able to feel.
I know what needs to happen. I need a large hammer, construction goggles, gloves and comfortable shoes.
I’m going to break it.
I honestly don’t know why I gave this post this title. This isn’t a review of how my 2018 went. More so a post about why I’m not doing it this year. Granted I’ve only ever posted about my 2017 year in review but I planned on posting one every year. Not this time around.
2018 was not the best year for me. Everything horrible happened (except my funeral) during those 365 days. It was awful and 2018 could not have ended quickly enough for my taste.
On the bright side, I got myself back in therapy during the spring. Had to stop over the summer due to some unforeseen circumstances but recently started back going during the fall.
I don’t want to leave you, as a reader, in the dark about all the bad that went on so I’ll slip in something I’m ashamed to admit went wrong over the course of that terrible year.
I gained 23 lbs.
Horrible, I know.
But 2017 I lost a total of 50 lbs and I planed on loosing another 50 over 2018. Plans backfired. I was under the most amount of stress I’ve ever been under since my freshman year in college. I put on at least 20 lbs that year.
Adulting kicked my ass last year. I wasn’t ready. I still have some years to go, obviously, but I learned a hard couple of lessons.
With these newly learned lessons from last year, 2019 should be a breeze.
I got this.
Speaking it into existence.
Almost every evening I can be found in my office writing my thoughts away in a journal. It’s my time to reflect on the decisions I’ve made for that day and how my feelings got me to that point. I’m the sensitive type so unfortunately my feelings damn near control my life in the way I react to things or the way I receive information. Taking the time to actually sit in my emotions and go over them with a fine tooth comb helps me understand my thought process.
There is nothing off limits in my journal. I see this as both my blessing and my curse. My blessing because writing my feelings out is the best release from the stress I hold until I put pen to paper. My curse because I tend to only focus on the negative aspects of what caused that stress. Looking back I realized I never offered myself any solution to my problems. I cringe sometimes reading over years worth of emotions where I would state my problem, state how I reacted and justify my wrong doings with how I handled things. There’s always a better path at getting out of a funk but I would mostly choose the worst way (yelling, cursing, being argumentative for no reason because I’m willing to fight to protect myself from ever being wrong) at getting out of my funk. There’s always a silver lining to any emotionally draining situation where it feels as though the emotions have taken over and you’ve been thrown to the passenger side of your own life. Logical and rational thinking take a back seat while my emotions are in full control of life’s vehicle. Unfortunately I still have not found a way to get out of the passenger seat and use every one of my personalities in the car to my advantage in the present situation. When I’m so stuck in my ways of only being the victim the silver lining becomes difficult to find. And that’s if I want to find it at all.
My journal started to reflect always being the victim as being a part of my personality. I needed to change my point of view on life to help me understand my life isn’t all bad. While scrolling my twitter timeline I saw a post by @RaveenTheDream who mentioned she purchased a journal “strictly for good things and gratitude” and like the snap of a finger an idea went off in my head.
This idea (tweet) couldn’t have come at a better time. I went over to Amazon to find a customized “happy journal” that stood out from my other daily journals. All of my other journals have been purchased at local stores but I decided this one had to be special. Something a little more personal where I go to recognize how great my inner circle is. How great I am. This is my escape to happiness. It’s rare that I speak kindly toward myself or anyone else around me when I’m upset so this journal would see me in a different light than I normally see myself. Even if it’s just for a small moment in time. My only rule to this journal is to write positive thoughts only. See the good in everything. I’ve been writing in it for over a month and I’m starting to see a difference in the way I treat my family, myself and friends. I don’t have it in me to be down in my feelings 24/7 about a temporary situation so it’s best that I see the good out of my day and move on.
This is something I would suggest to all of my friends and family but since they aren’t the writing type, I decided to bring it to my blog. Hopefully this post will encourage someone to see more positivity in their life just as her tweet encouraged me to write about the positives in my life.