Free Fall

via Daily Prompt: Retrospective

“Don’t send me back. Please. I beg of you.” I say to my brain every time I see myself standing at the intersection of Memory Lane and Trauma Avenue. Most times I can’t help but to fall into a dark hole and relive painful memories I wish so desperately to forget. There are still emotions attached to some memories while other memories have no feelings to them what so ever. Is this a good thing? Is it a good thing to go numb to things that hurt me?

I can answer that one right now…HELL YEAH! You mean to tell me I can relive a painful, embarrassing or downright scary past event and think “eh.” Sign me up!

At the same time I have to take some accountability for my own actions. In retrospect, I could’ve done things much differently so life could have played out in my favor. Unfortunately I didn’t which led me to this very moment. What if I’m living my life exactly as I’m supposed to live it? If that’s the case why do I feel so out of place?

Looking back on past events shouldn’t be a bad thing however I can’t help but look at it that way. I can get stuck or lost in my past memories with no way out. The sad thing is that I know I’m stuck. The even sadder thing is that I can become comfortable in how things turned out. I didn’t learn my lesson. Back into my free fall loop I go.

Advertisements

Call me old-fashioned but…

via Daily Prompt: Archaic

…Please don’t call me old fashioned. I’m pretending to live in a world where I’m caught up on all the latest technologies and trends when in reality I tend to avoid all of it. I’m not living in the cave men era nor am I living in the “Watch me slide my smart watch across the pin pad to pay for my coffee” era. Once I find something I like that works for me, I stick to it. Unfortunately. Technology is changing every few months and I can barely keep up. I stick to two apps, snapchat and twitter on my not so top of the line smart phone. I’ve learned to avoid Facebook completely (check back to a post I did years ago explaining this) and only focus on apps where very few people know me. Social media can be dangerous depending on how you go about doing things. I don’t want to get caught up on the dark side of a social dragging because of something I posted where a stranger did not agree or even worse, personal information like addresses or place of work is leaked exposing me to all kinds of creeps. Keeping my social apps down to a minimum and my phone on the not-so-popular trend allows me to silently say “to hell with this system, you can’t keep me down!” while also using the system and keeping myself down at the same time.

I’m not too old where I don’t know what a smart watch is or how to operate one and I’m not so young that I know who Lil *insert-any-antidepressant-medication-here* the rapper is. My generation is the last generation to know what a VHS tape looks like, we know the struggles of rewinding a movie before watching it, we know that in order to save a document we needed a 3 1/2 inch floppy disc (now ironically this is the save icon on Microsoft Office. Yes boys and girls, the floppy disc existed at one point. No 3-D printer needed to print it from the computer), we know what it was like to wait for a musical artist to release a disc if we wanted to listen to their album. There was no waiting until midnight to refresh the screen from where ever you buy music to download. You had to be at the store bright and early if you wanted to buy a copy.

Speaking of stores…

If you wanted to buy a new outfit for a party or event you’re going to, you needed to drive or get your mom to take you to a store to purchase said items. No www. where-ever-the-hell-you-shop.com, no shipping and handling and no waiting on your package to arrive. The world was not at our finger tips and yet we survived.

I do not come from the archaic times but I’m closer to the having a landline and cell phone times than the everyone has a cell phone now times. Things change, there’s no escaping that. Sometimes they change for the better and other times for the not so better. It’s fine. We learn, we grow and we move on. One day, hopefully not soon, but one day the very piece of technology you’re stuck on and can’t imagine life without it will turn to dust and decay at humanity’s feet while the new thing takes over. Whether we like it or not we too will be considered archaic according to the history books. Just a photograph for some child to write a paper about and read aloud in class.

When to assume and when not to assume. An ongoing loosing battle.

via Daily Prompt: Assumption

Assumption: a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof.

My definition: Hell, I guess. *shrug emoji*

The old saying goes, “When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me.” Get it? This quote makes me chuckle every time I come to a conclusion without asking for clarification. When am I going to learn from this mistake? Most times I come to these conclusions because I feel as though I’m being annoying with my little game of 21 questions. In some cases I’m usually right about what I’ve just assumed. Other times I am the ass. I’ve developed this horrible habit of not being upfront with what I want to know and trying to find my answer in other ways. This never works and most times assumptions are necessary to save myself the trouble of overthinking.

When is the right time to assume? Gut instinct is my only answer to this question I’ve asked myself. It’s gotten me this far. Context clues help best!

When is the right time to not assume? Again, gut instinct. If you feel or know something is wrong or what you’re facing will turn into a bigger problem down the road then ask! Ask away. It’s also important to ask the right questions. This will save you time (and depending on your situation, money). It does not hurt to get clarification.

It’s one thing to base your reaction to an assumption and another to fully understand what it is you don’t know and move accordingly. The smarter option is to always move accordingly with facts. Assuming leads to a wide gap of things left unsaid or undone. Assuming can lead to confusion. Assuming can ruin relationships. Save yourself the trouble and ask.

Now if only I could take my own advice…

Float

via Daily Prompt: Bubble

“Not all who wonder are lost.” -My coffee mug

I don’t know who actually came up with the quote but as soon as I saw it I stopped dead in my tracks on the way to the check out counter to add this cup to my collection of groceries. My arms were already full of items of things I needed and things I didn’t need. “It’s only $5,” I said to convince myself to include this cup with the things I needed.

Fun fact: It didn’t take much convincing.

I know my thoughts can take me to the depths of imagination land and have everyone around me to think I’m in a daydream like trance. Trust me when I tell you I am not lost. Only pondering. Being stuck in a temporary bubble is my way to regroup and gather all my thoughts at once. I need that space to proceed with the next step in life. That cup put everything into perspective within a matter of seconds. It is saying a lot by not saying much at all.

As a creative, it’s easy and necessary for us to float away from the rest. We need that time to surround ourselves with the things or people who inspire us. We are not lost, only deep in thought. We’ll eventually return when our bubble pops but until then please don’t take it personal when we don’t immediately return your calls or text. There is no timer on this bubble we’re in (at least for me it isn’t). I find myself floating away and returning back into society more times now that I’m older. This alone time is heavenly and my bubble is a very comfortable space. I’m thinking of redecorating with a California King. My Queen will do for now.

The set-back and the come-up

via Daily Prompt: Tide

Life could easily be compared to the tides in the ocean. Depending on it’s attraction to the moon at the current moment, the tide is either nowhere in sight or right at your toes from where ever you sit.

Let’s think of the moon as an energy source and the tide your wondering soul. This relationship you have with the moon depicts your tide’s exact location. It’s so satisfying to think of how powerful the connection is between the energy we attract and where we are in life.

The moon has the power to set your tide back to the end of the pier. While it’s at the end of the pier take a look at the water mark that was left behind towards the bottom. The ocean has been higher than it is now but that doesn’t mean it’ll stay at low tide for always and forever. It’s having a set back at the moment and that’s just fine.

As long as the ocean does not fully disappear into the abyss, earth is still happy. Without low tide we would not be able to appreciate high tide. This little set back is what we need to catapult us into our come up.

Never forget that as you’re riding the low tide wave.

Where does your moon have to be for your tide to reach it’s furthest potential?

 

Can you see me?

via Daily Prompt: Observe

What do you see when you see me?

Not the mask I’ve put on for the majority of my life. Not the clothes I wear to cover my stretch marks. Not one of the 3 pairs of shoes I wear to match my different shades of black outfits.

But do you see my pain?

If your answer is no, I’ll get the Academy on the phone to convince them of my lifetime of Oscar nominated performances.

If your answer is yes…dammit! Can’t talk right now. Bye!

See my actions. How do I treat you? How do I treat others? What do I do with my hands as I’m talking to you? Are you observing my body language?

Body language is a tattletale. It is the enemy to whatever costume we’ve put on to play the role.

My problem with body language is I am fully aware of what my body language is saying. However, I can’t stop it.

Observe me as I observe you. If we come to an unspoken agreement where we like what we see, I’ll be happy to start this wonderful path of friendship with you.