So I love to write. I’ve been doing so since elementary. Telling a story through some made up character’s point of view excites me because my life is usually nothing like the characters I’m writing about. Sure I may add in little quirks like the way they react to something or someone just as I would but their outside environment is much different from mine. As of lately, writing has been on my mind for the most part of the day yet it has been hard getting pen to paper and even getting fingertips to keyboard. I have to do better than this. I CAN do better than this.
Reading this post probably has you wondering what exactly is it I’m talking about or what I have planned but shhhh, it’s a secret. Have no fear. This blog will be the first to know once my plan comes together. Now on to my motivation running on E.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been like this. I envy the people who get started on a project as soon as the idea hits them. If procrastinating was a company I’d be the owner and operator. How can I get over this?
NOTE TO SELF/MINI PROJECT: Write a short story or even a journal entry everyday.
Cool. This may work. The funny part on the other side of the entire writer’s block process is when I do have a story to write about, there is no breaking my concentration. There can be someone who opens the door to check on me or someone staring at me from across the coffee shop and I won’t acknowledge the person. I’ll know they’re there obviously but there is a clear disconnect between me and the person trying to get my attention. Of course I don’t stay on E for long. I simply overstay my trip to the gas station.
That’s one way of looking at it.
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I couldn’t believe it. The woman I’ve worked with for the past five years passed away at the stroke of midnight. No one even knew she was sick. I’d be lying if I said my heart wasn’t broken so I’ll tell the truth. I am an emotional wreck. She was more than a co-worker; she was my mentor. Her being at an older and wiser age helped to guide me through the things she’s already sought after and conquered. Whenever she spoke I listened. Her wisdom had a hold on me that I couldn’t shake even on the days when I didn’t see her. Working at a busy law firm always kept me on my toes but I felt as though she was there to catch me as I fell. In any competitive corporation, your colleges tend to smile in your face while simultaneously stabbing you in the back but this woman was different. Her word was her bond. It disgusted me to hear our other co-workers say things like, “She’s too old.” “She’ll never make it in this business.” “She’s had her chance and obviously failed.” I ignored it at first but a month before her death it started to bother me. Not too long ago I would respond with, “She’s done nothing to you. Why must you feel the need to disrespect her like this? She knows exactly what you’re saying behind her back and I would have to agree with her when she says how no one is woman or man enough to say these things to her face.” The hardest part of my job was keeping all of this under wraps but as soon someone mentioned that she should be fired all rumors became uncontrollable. Believe me, everyone in the office tried their best to get rid of her but ultimately it was left up to corporate.
As of right now, a week after her death, I get a phone call from my job asking me to come in to discuss some paper work that needs my attention. At first I was very confused being that this has never happened to me before but then again it could be some documents that I forgot to file in the beginning of the week. No big deal, right? Well, I walk in to the conference room and all of my bosses are there. I begin to panic thinking, “Oh shit, what have I done now?” I try to smile and remain calm, cool and collected on the outside while smiling and shaking hands with all bosses. Long story short, the woman that has taught and mentored me for the past few months was the owner of the company and she left me her share of everything that she owned. Her lawyers were telling me something about the fact that I was willing to listen, grow and not let the job get the best of me made me the perfect candidate to take over her position. Honestly, I stopped listening after they told me everything else that was left to me. It was like a dream come true. I would have never known being that she used her maiden name while in the office so no one would suspect a thing. I use to get so nervous when exam time came up in college that I would start to doubt myself, get depressed and stress to the point that my face would break out. This time, I had no idea I was being tested and passed with flying colors. I walked in an employee and walked out the owner. Would it make sense if I said I feel like I’m on cloud 10? For the most part I won’t have to see those other co-workers that I spoke of earlier unless I need to. They’ll be working for me now and if I need to get in contact with them I know right where to find them. I guess life has a funny way of getting us to our destination without us knowing the path we’re taking.
“Jason, we need to talk.”
“We do, I have something wonderful to tell you.”
“Me first. There’s something that’s been weighing heavily on my mind and it needs to be said before this goes any further.”
“Alright. Sure Bree. What is it?”
“Well for the past month or so, there’s been a distance between us and I know you’ve felt it. Every time I’m here with you it’s like there’s a ten foot wall between us while we’re in the same room. I have to repeat the things I say to you twice because you didn’t hear me the first time. I hate having to get your attention before I say something. The fact that it takes you all day to respond to a text gives me the feeling that you dread speaking to me.”
“I know Bree and I’m so sorr-“
“Wait. I really need to get this out or it will explode inside of me; next thing we’re arguing and my temper will get the best of me. We don’t see eye to eye on anything anymore so I kind of… and don’t get mad but I met someone. We started talking and even went so far as to hang out the other day. I figured you would call but my phone didn’t hear from you at all that day. I was so upset just thinking about you ignoring me that I began to fall deeper and deeper for this guy. Long story short I ended up cheating on you that night. I didn’t purposely mean to do it but one thing lead to another and…..I messed up.”
“How could you? I go through some changes in my life telling myself that you would understand just to come here and have this thrown in my face? I planned on marrying you, making you the mother of my children but I guess I was the only one in this relationship that felt this way.”
“I understand it’s a lot to take in at once but the signs were clear. We need a break.”
As soon as she says this, the television in the background seems to get louder to Jason as the news reporter announces, “That’s right folks! Right here in our very own neighborhood is the winning ticket to the $300 million jackpot. Still no response but records indicate that it was purchased at this Fast Jack’s convenient store right behind me. By law, the winner…” The television fades out as Jason puts a lottery ticket in his pocket.
“Break says that there’s a chance that we’ll be back together again. We’re done.”
Bree leaves the apartment as the winning lottery numbers are announced and displayed on the screen. Jason smiles, sits on the couch and is comforted as he pats his side pocket to hear the sound of wrinkled paper muffled inside his denim jeans.
Sometimes when I’m writing something that I plan on filming, I get caught up on “how could I film this” or “how could I film that” that I will change and rearrange somethings that that will eventually take away from the overall quality of the final result. Most times my final product isn’t exactly like the original thought. If I finally film what I started writing, I’m for the most part content but the perfectionist in me is slightly upset due to location restraints and not being able to do what I wanted to do but at the age of four I learned what the word “improvise” meant and I’ve been quick on my toes ever since. Each script I write I come to this point where I’m like, “Should I even write this in? I’m not even sure it’ll get filmed” then I get so caught up in my feelings that it discourages me to finish it. I’ll come back to it later with new idea on a new direction which can be a good and bad thing depending on how you look at it. That new idea I came up with could change the story completely or change it to a better outcome. Ta da, no more writer’s block! So in a way, my procrastination cured my writer’s block but sooner or later the cycle will start all over again. There’s definitely a touch of both when it comes to me writing out a script but in the end it all turns out for the better….
…At least I would hope.
I’m at that place where I have most of the resources to film something but I’m drawing blanks as to what I should film. I’ll be honest, I haven’t written anything for a long time but that should change shortly.
Brainstorming for a story is the first step so let’s begin!