“Don’t send me back. Please. I beg of you.” I say to my brain every time I see myself standing at the intersection of Memory Lane and Trauma Avenue. Most times I can’t help but to fall into a dark hole and relive painful memories I wish so desperately to forget. There are still emotions attached to some memories while other memories have no feelings to them what so ever. Is this a good thing? Is it a good thing to go numb to things that hurt me?
I can answer that one right now…HELL YEAH! You mean to tell me I can relive a painful, embarrassing or downright scary past event and think “eh.” Sign me up!
At the same time I have to take some accountability for my own actions. In retrospect, I could’ve done things much differently so life could have played out in my favor. Unfortunately I didn’t which led me to this very moment. What if I’m living my life exactly as I’m supposed to live it? If that’s the case why do I feel so out of place?
Looking back on past events shouldn’t be a bad thing however I can’t help but look at it that way. I can get stuck or lost in my past memories with no way out. The sad thing is that I know I’m stuck. The even sadder thing is that I can become comfortable in how things turned out. I didn’t learn my lesson. Back into my free fall loop I go.