Being in the child bearing zone from early twenties to now has made my family question my every move as far as growth is concerned. (Side Note: I’m fully aware the average human can procreate before the age of twenty. In my case however, that is a no-no.) I’m not talking, “How will this new change improve your life?” but rather, “How will this new change get you a boyfriend, husband and children?” I don’t know what to tell them. That line of questioning leaves me at a loss for words every time.
My mom has gotten into a habit of bringing up the fact that I’m single at the worst time of day. The first time she did this was during my early twenties while we were discussing food in the kitchen. She hits me out of nowhere with, “So do you just not like men?” The look on my face was a puzzled startled one because I could have sworn we were in the middle of talking about cooking. I think my answer was something like, “Yes I like men but weren’t we just talking about pasta and bread?” That still baffles me to this day. But I guess moms will be moms and get away with asking what ever is on their mind. Let’s be honest here, you can’t stop mom from asking questions.
A little back story on my dating life. It does not exist. Now on with the rest of this post.
The next time was more recent. It was a couple of weeks ago and we had just come back in from running errands. This time I forgot what it was we were talking about but yet again she comes out of nowhere with, “Why is it you act like men can’t look at you?” Here I go again being confused with another one of my mom’s questions that has nothing to do with nothing. I never said that a man couldn’t look at me. Why would I say or feel this way. Now I’m sitting back looking at myself to see where she got this idea from. I fully understand that I cannot physically make a man stop looking at me so why waste any energy in putting a stop to it. Why would I want to do that in the first place? I don’t know where that came from. I even asked here how did she come to that. She looked at me and said, “Yeah, ok.” and went back to cleaning up the kitchen. I obviously dropped the entire conversation because again, mom’s can get away with asking anything.
Moms have a way of seeing something in their children they don’t see. Or so I’ve heard. What was/is it about my demeanor to make her ask that? The most I can come up with is I tend to get a little shy and nervous when a guy takes interest in me. It’s been this way for my entire life.
As for my dad, he’ll bring up the idea of marriage in any story he’s telling. Especially if he’s talking to me. I have one of those father’s who has a story to tell based off a situation he’s just seen or heard. Even if the story doesn’t have a damn thing to do with me he always finds a way to bring the ending to me finding a husband. For example, the other day he was talking about the whole Tiger Woods divorce that happened years ago. Keep in mind this story has nothing to do with me or him. He ends it by saying, “And Ameris that is why it is important for you to choose who ever it is you find in a mate wisely. Who you marry is the most important decision of your life.” “Ok, solid advice dad but I’ve told you numerous times that I’m not looking to get married.” I think that scared him for a bit. He was taken aback then ended with “uh huh. Well I’m just saying.” From now on, I may just hear him out with my “Oh yeah, I’m totally listening” face and keep going about my day.
Do I owe my parents a wedding? Grandkids? A family? There is no secret this is what they clearly want from me. I was one of the fortunate ones who grew up in a two parent household my entire life. My parents have been married for over 30 years and from the outside looking in, it seems as if my parents have paved the way for me to also find a stable marriage of my own and build a family. I’m sure they are probably blaming themselves thinking they showed a bad example somewhere during my lifetime. I don’t see the reason why though. Not everyone gets married and there is no biological need for me to wed. Will my head fall off tomorrow if I decide that I don’t want to be married? Will my DNA rearrange and turn me into a lizard woman if I’m not chosen by a man while I’m still in my youth? I don’t mean to go to the extreme but I just didn’t buy into the fairy-tale that a woman must find her “knight in shining armor” bit growing up.
I also just don’t see it for me to have children. Having kids is a lot to ask of someone. Women have died and unfortunately are still dying during child birth. It’s a toll on the body. Hormones change, cells change, bodies change, everything changes yet this is what was asked of you but only you are left to deal with the changes.
ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: Shout out to the women who bounce back after a pregnancy. Also shout out to the women who don’t and still don’t feel comfortable with themselves. You did something that a lot of humans can’t say they did. Be proud mama!
Now back to our regularly scheduled rant.
Not to mention taking care of an infant while your body is going through changes. The crying, constantly changing diapers, being up all hours of the night, breast feeding…the list just goes on and on. I’m not mentally prepared nor do I see myself being prepared in the near future. Call it selfishness all you want but I need my sleep.
Don’t get me wrong. Yes, I tend to focus on the negative side of taking care of an infant after giving birth but that’s the thing terrifying me most. Bringing your tiny human into this world is an honor. I’m well aware. I guess I’m blocking myself from seeing all the joy a baby can bring because I’m not ready to see. All there is are testimonies of mothers who tell me (or try and convince me) that raising a child is worth it. Words couldn’t describe how great it is to raise a child. I’m assuming the feeling is greater than any word the English dictionary can define. And that’s beautiful.
So, here are my next set of rhetorical questions. Do I have to sit and listen to my parents ask over and over why I don’t want to be married for all eternity? If I ever do get married the reason will probably be a 98.9% possibility to shut them up. On the other hand they will just find other things to question me about. What more can I say to show them that marriage is not on my vision board nor do I see it ever happening for me?…unless Brad Pitt finally sees fit to marry me then there won’t be a wedding (fingers crossed that he sees this). It’s like no matter what I say, “I don’t see any reason for me to be married” my dad will follow up with, “ok but what I’m saying is that who you will marry is the most important…etc.” as if I didn’t just say what I just said. How long will I have to put up with that? I have my own home, car and I’m a proud pit bull dog mom yet my parents feel as though my life is headed nowhere and fast without a husband.
I still don’t know what else to tell them.