What’s the hardest part about loving you?
We tend to use our insecurities as an excuse as to why we can’t love ourselves and others. How do we get past this? You won’t find a definite answer here because I’m struggling with the question myself but maybe my rambling can help us both out.
My insecurities fall in line with the stereotypical “big girl” problems many face. I’ve been big all my life and as a full grown adult I’m looking for a change. All 2017 I worked on my health and lost 55 lbs. This, to my surprise had both positive and negative consequences. Before the weight loss no one could have told me that loosing weight would have a down side. At least that is what I’ve experienced. I’m in this weird space where my clothes don’t fit but I’m nowhere near where I want to be physically so buying new clothes is not an option. Honestly, the clothes now were getting too tight 55 lbs before and I was simply in denial. Some of my jeans finally fit properly. It’s also been a while since I’ve seen the person looking back at me in the mirror. Last time my current weight came across the scale I was thirteen years old. Like I said I’ve always been the big girl and I don’t have the normal “back in my teens I had a six pack” story many of my elder mentors tell me. I’m hoping for the happily ever after six pack for the rest of my life. None of the “back in the day” story for me.
It’s all in my head
While I’m basking in the glow of my transformation, I’m starting to realize confidence plays a big role in how I feel now and how I felt then. Obvious, right? Confidence is a word that’s better as a noun rather than a verb. Easier said than done. This is a huge struggle of mine. Mainly because I
use to care too much what people think about me. This is what I’m realizing and what is in the process of changing. I’ve grown impatient on how soon. Being confident hits me in waves. One day I can be down in the dumps and using my inner monologue to make myself feel worse. The next day I’m more confident than ever with a booty to match. Nothing in my appearance changed. It’s the way I talk to myself that clearly plays a big role in how I feel for the day. That’s also another thing better said than done. I don’t know how or why being insecure about weight feels like you’re trapped in a giant cyclone that no one else can see or even know you’re in there. Your house blew away a long time ago and now you and the same cow from the farm two counties over are now twirling 500 feet in the air. I’ve been there for the most part of my life.
Pretty sure this is only temporary
This feeling of being insecure unfortunately doesn’t go away once you turn 18 and you feel like you’re grown. Oh no. It’s much deeper than that. If anything, your 20’s highlight what it is you don’t like about you. This age throws all your problems right in your face and dares you to do something about it. Will the emotions that come along with these changes quite themselves enough to put the changes into effect? If you’re overly emotional and emotionally unavailable at the same time like me then this is doable and we can get through this. But what do I know? I’m not even in my 30’s to give a full overview of the 20’s.
This has been my daily self to self talk I’ve been having for the past week. If anything changes I’ll make the necessary updates to this site.